Hi there. My name is…well, I don’t really remember my name (and my bastard biographer knows and won’t tell me). Just call me Zee. Because, well, I’m a zombie.
See, I don’t know how I became a zombie. One day I woke up and I smelt like death, looked like death and, after cutting my face open in an unfortunate accident involving a dirty shirt and a chair, realised that I probably was dead. Ish. I mean, I’m writing this, so I can’t be that dead. I’m not undead. I’m more…living dead. Yeah, that works.
I don’t know how far this zombocalyspe has spread, but if it’s spread, there’s a very good chance that YOU could become a zombie. You might already be one. Take a moment to smell yourself. I’ll wait.
Right. Still alive? Good. Because you’d rather not be a zombie. Have you seen any zombie movies where the zombies look like they’re having a good time? No? That’s because being a zombie is probably harder than being alive.
“Oh Zee, you’re being ridiculous,” you are probably saying. “You’ve shed the mortal coil! No more sleeping, eating, or school work, how hard can that be?” First off, zombies do eat. They eat brains, duh. Or flesh. I mostly just drink milk, because…well, I’d rather not talk about my adult diaper. But seriously, if you ever suspect you might turn into a zombie, put one on. You’ll thank me later. Zombies may not sleep or really do anything, but zombies do have a lot of problems.
Come to think of it, if you think you might be a zombie or be at risk for becoming one, make sure you baby proof your house or get away from sharp pointy edges. I guarantee that no matter what made you a zombie, co-ordination will be the first thing to go, which means you are going to hurt yourself and then be unable to do anything about it and probably screw yourself up worse looking for a way to do something about it.
Also, I know what your instincts are telling you to do, but DON’T DO IT. Do not bite that human. DO. NOT. If you do, you will pass go and collect a bullet to the face. Also, they taste terrible.
Of course, make sure to stay indoors, preferably in a big room with no pointy things. Then you don’t have to deal with bad weather or humans or stray dogs.
I guess try not to become a zombie in the first place. But cows go moo, dogs go woof, and government experiments go horrifically wrong.